The love of my life

 

Today I decided to write a poem for my husband! Probably nothing special to some, it’s probably a regular thing to write poems for your spouse/partner for some people, but it’s not really something I do. I like to write poetry, not normally about him! Or for him! But lately I’ve been thinking about how I hold back my feelings and don’t really tell him how much I love him. I know he sometimes gets down about it, so I hope he likes it. I’ve published it on my blog because I want the world (ok, my few followers! Ha!) To read about the amazing husband I have! I mean, I don’t want to boast or anything…..but yeah, he’s amazing and I’m very lucky! We met 14 years ago, and have been through MANY ups and downs. We’ve lived in 6 different homes together, have 4 beautiful boys together, and finally got married in Cyprus in May this year! I’ve used some photos from our wedding to go along with this poem as it they mean a lot to me!

I hope you like it!

 

 

 

A strong build with broad shoulders

On the surface he’s manly and tough

Not one to mess with

He’s a diamond in the rough

 

Scratch at the surface

You’ll see a completely different side

A typical ‘mans man’ outer shell

But a softy deep down inside

 

He has the fierceness of a lion

But is full of kindness and passion

He has the biggest heart of gold

And has so much compassion

 

Protective of his family

He’d lay down his life for me

Fights for what he believes in

At my side is where he’ll always be

He has a great sense of humour

We could laugh all day and night!

He sets my heart aflutter

When I have him in my sight!

 

He’s my best friend and my soul mate

And together we shall grow old

He means everything to me

He’s my world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clowning around!!

Recently there’s been this weird craze of people dressing up as clowns to scare people. They’ve been spotted lurking around, in the dark….just staring. Some have apparently carried weapons and have gone as far as chasing people and cars.

 

I think it started in America, but Englands twats have now joined in!

 

I wasn’t particularly worried about them. But then I’ve heard stories of them being closer to home! It’s not that I’m worried because it’s clowns. I don’t suffer with coulrophobia! But I worry about the attacking side of the situation. A part of me thinks “How bloody dare they!?” And would just love to punch them in the throat, or possibly out-weird them by acting crazy myself, but the other side of me thinks ‘gaaaaaaah! I may actually have to run If I see one!!’ And I don’t ‘do’ running! I’ve got a bad back at the moment, so I think it would quite a horrific scene, me trying to run! Haha! I’d literally get a few steps away and probably get annoyed because my back hurts and resort to the throat punch!

 

I usually work part time (because of child care, I’m not a complete lazy bitch!) And they are 2 day shifts, finishing at 5 at the latest, but this week I’ve done some shifts that have finished at 8, and you know what enters my mind when I’m walking home alone in the dark?

 

Feckin’ clowns!!!

 

Why does my mind do this to me!? It’s like when I’m eating an egg sandwich, my brain pipes up “dead chicks!!” Aaaaaaah!! The horror!! Obviously I then do not wish to continue with my sandwich!

 

I have to walk down a small alleyway on my way home. (Or I could stop being a lazy cow and walk the roadside way which is safer and well lit…..but….I just wanna get home!!) I get nearer to the alleyway and my brain tells me there’s a clown lurking down there! I have headphones in normally, so they get removed from my ears, just so I can hear them creeping up on me! When I get to the top of the alley, I then proceed to ‘run’ down it! God, I must look so awful! Haha!

When I get to the end I stop ‘running’ and immediately act ‘casual’ like “me? Run!? Nope!”

 

One night my husband said to call him on my way home. I did call him, but i also said I never understood this idea! I said if anything, it makes me more prone to attacks because I’m distracted by the phone call! And that should I get murdered etc, he’d end up hearing it! His response was “well at least I’d know where you are!” Erm…..that’s not really helpful!!!

 

Local children are really scared too. My husband left the house yesterday and the little kid next door warned him to be careful of the clowns! Haha!! I can imagine the kid just standing there, in the middle of his lawn with a dark expression on his face (horror film like!) Whilst quietly warning him of what was to come…. But that’s just my mind and how I like to think it happened!

Anyway, the tables are turning! People are starting to fight this army of clowns! I’ve heard of them being chased away, beaten up, even targeted at by cars!! And apparently, if you dress up on Halloween as a clown the police may even arrest you! Ooo-er!

 

So listen up Bozo……and coco, and chuckles!! Feck off with the clowning around! We’re not taking it anymore!!

 

And us ‘fat birds’ don’t do running!!

 

The feelings behind my smile

 

Why is life so complex?

Everything in it requires thinking.

Sometimes you’re on a high,

Sometimes you feel you’re sinking.

 

My head is full of thoughts

That I’m trying to process.

One step forward, two steps back

Where’s the progress?

 

A grey ‘fuzz’ floods my mind

I’m now incapable of thought.

The more I try to think,

I just start feeling more distraught.

 

My memory fades away from me

Like the light fades, further into a cave.

I’m emotionless, zombie-like

Not normally how I’m seen to behave.

I want to cry, but I hold the tears back

No-one shall see my weak side

I put walls up, block out the world

My tears and fears, I will hide.

 

But when I am alone, suddenly they come

The tears, raging, uncontrollable, from my heart.

Body shaking from the release

Hiding my feelings has become an art.

 

Every day you will see me smiling

You won’t know the inner pain.

Sharing how I really feel?

What could I possibly gain?

 

No, I shall keep my feelings to myself

I don’t want anyone to know,

The darkness that I keep inside

The truth I’ll never show.

 

 

Let your hippy out!

When I was younger, I had this weird obsession with hippies! Anyone that looked a bit different intrigued me!

I used to go to our local town on a Saturday morning with my sister and parents, and there was always at least one table on the high street, full of pictures of half bald rabbits and tortured monkeys, with some sort of petition going! The people ‘manning’ those tables were usually ‘hippies’. You know, dreadlocks, piercings, tie-dye clothes etc. I’m not sure what first grabbed my attention, the gruesome photos (I was a weird kid! Actually, that never changed! Haha!) Or the hippies!

I decided that when I ‘grew up’ I’d become a hippie! I’d definitely have piercings! I used to wear this fake ‘ring’ that you’d clip onto the nose/ear/lip etc. It was a must have for me! One day I’d fancy having my ‘nose pierced’ and the next I’d fancy my lip being pierced! I’d just pop on the ring and I was good to go!

My dad would often wear clothing that could be a little ‘hippy-ish’! Tie-dye etc. I liked it! (Although his style would change years later!)

I remember making a friendship bracelet for myself that reminded me of something a hippie would wear, and so I named it my ‘junkie’. My dad was slightly horrified at that, and proceeded to tell me what a junkie was! 😂😂😂

When I was in my teens I decided to get my belly button pierced. No one in my school had it done and I liked that! (Not that I got it done for those reasons!) My sister also decided to get one too! My mum and dad took us out, and my mum went in with my sister whilst my dad came in with me. I remember looking at the piercer, and seeing that he’d stretched his earlobe so that you could see through it! That intrigued me too! Anyway, after a while, my belly button started rejecting the piercing so eventually I had to take the bar out. I was really gutted about this! By this point, it seemed everyone had it done and yet I was literally the only one that didn’t! It almost felt like I’d been kicked out of something I had started! Haha! So then I decided I wanted to get a tattoo, they’re more longer lasting after all! (I did however have 8 piercings at one point which I was pretty pleased about!)

I was 16 when I declared I wanted a tattoo, obviously too young to get one so my mum made me wait! As soon  as I could, I went to a tattooist and chose one right there! A big black tribal tattoo on my lower back! I’m not sure what made me get that one! It’s not exactly something I’d chose now! BUT I don’t regret it! It’s a part of me, and there’s the story behind it…it was fueled by a teenage passion!! Since then I’ve said I’d get another one done….I’m 32 now and still only have that one tattoo! 🙈

I feel like I’m not being ‘true’ to myself! Somewhere along the line, things changed. I stopped thinking about hippies. Life got in the way of me having more tattoo’s. Children and bills came along so paying for things like tat’s became impossible! Birthday money ended up being spent on clothes for myself rather than the tattoo I had planned. I also became more aware of myself. What did others actually think of me? Would I be judged?

I hate this fact. At this point in my life, I really do try and care less about what others think. I need to do things that make me happy and not worry about others opinions. I’ve always felt a little inspired those people that clearly don’t care what others think! Amy Winehouse for example. I wouldn’t personally want her style, but I’m happy that she felt that she could look like that because it was what she wanted! Beehive hairdo!? Why not!? And if you watch ‘The X-Factor’ you’ll have seen the doll lady! (In case you have no idea, a lady that regards herself as a real life doll! Dresses and acts like one!) I love the fact she feels that comfortable with her own image! Good on her! We should all be like that! (Put that dolls dress down!!! I didn’t mean literally!!!) We shouldn’t care what others think! We are all individuals, it’s about time we started acting like it!

I work with a really lovely young lady called Emily. She’s a little ‘kooky’. I like it! She’s not afraid and that’s great! We need to be more like Emily!

We had a conversation about this, about how we suppress ourselves. (Me in particular!) And she came out with “let your hippy out”! She’s right you know! I need to. There’s a hippy in me right now, screaming to get out! I reckon we all suppress ourselves at some point and it’s not good! I’m starting with little steps…..I’m thinking of getting my nose pierced! Eeek!!! (I’m bloody indecisive and VERY good at talking myself out of things….so this may take some time!!) But I do really want to get it done!

Last Friday, the lovely Emily told be she’d made me something…..she handed me a gift and told me she’d made it for me. Well I don’t do ‘touchy-feely’ but I gave her a little hug and a kiss on the cheek! Before I’d even opened it I was extremely thankful and touched that she’d gone out of her way to give me a gift. And she’d also taken the time and trouble to make me it!! How lovely is that!? So I opened it, and it was a little see through glass frame, with the words:

“let your hippy out”

How great is that!? I’ve not decorated my house properly yet but I’ve got plans for my dining room! I shall decorate that room and make it my own little heaven and then I shall hang up Emily’s gift! It’ll fit right in! It’ll be a lovely reminder for me, every time i look at it, to stop suppressing the real me! What an amazing gift to receive! 💕💗  I think we could all learn a lesson from Emily’s wise words…..

 

Round two of the dreaded baby/toddler group….

 

Most people learn from mistakes……am I like most people? No!! You’d think after last week’s horror of the baby/toddler group, I’d realise it was a mistake, and vow never to go again! But nooooo!! Not me. I decided to be a good mum, and take my son to it again.

This time I got there a bit later so there was already a crowd of ‘gobbling geese’ sitting there in a circle on the crowded rug. (This already feels awkward to me as I don’t particularly like walking into a crowded room, especially if I don’t know anyone!) I get my son out of the pushchair and thankfully found a seat! When everyone had turned up, the ‘leader’ holding the group wanted to sit down but a goose was in her chair so I offered the goose my seat (because I’m lovely like that! 😋😂 Plus she was holding a small baby and no one else bothered to offer…..selfish bitches! Haha!) So by doing that, I was without a seat and the rug was full! I awkwardly crouched on the outskirts, with my son on the middle of the rug! When the singing began, everyone grabbed their child and again, sang and did all ‘the moves’ like they were competing with each other, whilst I on the other hand, was starting to get pins and needles in both feet, and didn’t even bother pretend to sing along….what was the point!!? My child wasn’t even near me, and like last time, was busy hogging the drum!

After a few songs, my beasty boy decided he wanted to be with me!

“Oooh!”

I thought!!

“He’s noticed all the other children are singing along with their mummies, and he wants to sing with me!”

WRONG!! He wanted to come over and be a bloody pain in the backside! First of all he decided he wanted to go back onto the rug, meaning two ladies had to move out of the way again to let him back on. Then the beast decided he actually did want to stand with me meaning again, the two ladies had to move out of the way! (All whilst they were both trying to sing along with their own children!) I decided he wasn’t going to go back on the rug, tough luck sunshine!

Instead, he decided to constantly keep trying to run off, or touch the books in the bookcases surrounding us, or climb onto a now empty chair beside us which meant booting the woman who just got off it, in the back! And if that wasn’t bad enough, he did all this whilst using his favourite phrases of “Shhh!!” And “Shut up!!” Uuuugh. The Shame!

This is when sitting on the outskirts did me a favour, because as soon as they sang the last word of the last bloody song, I was straight out of there!!! And I wasn’t held up in a big queue of all the ‘fashionable, must have’ pushchairs belonging to all the ‘yummy mummies’!

So next week I think I may give it a miss…I can be a little crazy, but I’m not bloody stupid!!!