Behind closed doors

To the outsiders you’re a lovely man

“He could charm a bird from the tree”

The life and soul of the party

Ask anyone! They’d all agree!

 

Sometimes the passion overflows

But I know you really love me

My mother tried to warn me off

But it’s love! Why can’t she see?

 

I sometimes make you angry

I try my hardest to please you

I don’t mean to make you upset

But it seems I somehow do.

 

It started off with a little shouting

And throwing in some names

It’s a little more complicated now

It also includes mind games

 

My back against the cold wall

With your hand around my neck

Fear running through me

I feel I’m a nervous wreck

 

Your eyes bulge with anger

Your lips, a narrow slit

You spit out every word at me

I’m alone in my black pit.

 

Bruises run along my arms

But they’re covered from prying eyes

He won’t hit me where people can see

Oh no, he’s far too wise!

 

If I ever think of leaving him

He told me I’d end up dead

No one else would want me

He’s drummed that into my head

 

“Come outside or I’ll drag you out”

I better do as I am told

“Take off your clothes. Sit on the balcony”

Naked and alone, I’m vulnerable and cold.

 

Inside I scream for someone to help me

Please take this monster away!

I’m going to die living like this

Or I might just kill him one day!

 

Theres no point in leaving

Plus I’ve no where else to go

I also don’t want to hear a chorus

of “I told you so!”

 

So now I look down on my lifeless body

The funeral parlour did well!

She was involved in domestic violence?

Looking at her, you’d never tell………..

The feelings behind my smile

 

Why is life so complex?

Everything in it requires thinking.

Sometimes you’re on a high,

Sometimes you feel you’re sinking.

 

My head is full of thoughts

That I’m trying to process.

One step forward, two steps back

Where’s the progress?

 

A grey ‘fuzz’ floods my mind

I’m now incapable of thought.

The more I try to think,

I just start feeling more distraught.

 

My memory fades away from me

Like the light fades, further into a cave.

I’m emotionless, zombie-like

Not normally how I’m seen to behave.

I want to cry, but I hold the tears back

No-one shall see my weak side

I put walls up, block out the world

My tears and fears, I will hide.

 

But when I am alone, suddenly they come

The tears, raging, uncontrollable, from my heart.

Body shaking from the release

Hiding my feelings has become an art.

 

Every day you will see me smiling

You won’t know the inner pain.

Sharing how I really feel?

What could I possibly gain?

 

No, I shall keep my feelings to myself

I don’t want anyone to know,

The darkness that I keep inside

The truth I’ll never show.

 

 

A crying shame…..??

Today I watched a video on Facebook, and it was rather emotional! They had several ‘couples’ of either sisters, husband and wife, brother and sister etc. They had to stand in front of each other and just look at each other, for 4 minutes. Sounds pretty simple! BUT each couple got extremely emotional! Some cried, some could’nt keep eye contact, some reached out for the other persons hand….

Afterwards they spoke briefly about how it felt. One lady who looked at her elderly father said she realised how much he’d aged, and was now thinking that she should take more time for him as you just don’t know how long you have left with some people.

The 2 sisters who looked at each other were very happy! They said they rarely get to see each other and talk and they seemed to really like those 4 minutes of quality time with each other! A rarity!

A mother and son faced each other. It was a little awkward at first, but the son reached out and took both his mothers hands. They then hugged. She said it wasn’t something she often gets to do! When you look at their faces as they embrace it’s clear to see how much that hug meant to them both. They both close their eyes and you can almost feel the love yourself! The mother said she sometimes prays over her son when he sleeps.

A husband and wife look each other in the eyes. It’s also a little awkward. She looks like she has a nervous giggle. The husband says afterwards that he hugged her.It’s been a long time since they last hugged.

 

Another husband and wife stand opposite each other. She looks at him longingly. He looks elsewhere, visibly uncomfortable with the task. He makes a joke about 4 minutes being too long. I sensed from him that he wasn’t looking away because he couldn’t bear to look his wife in the eye,but I sensed he loved her but was unsure of how to project it to her. Maybe not used to being in that position and showing affection?

It took me about 4 attempts to watch the whole video! It brought a tear to my eye! Emotions can sometimes be like yawns….contagious! I see someone yawn, I’m yawning! I see someone crying, I’m welling up! Why is that!!?? Anyone else the same!? I hate crying. I know it can be good to release those emotions, but to me it shows a weakness in me that I’m not comfortable with. I bottle it up and hide it! I don’t like people thinking I’m weak. I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do! So there! I recently got into a situation where it ended up with me getting upset and crying a little. My husband knew, as I was talking to him on the bloody phone! (You try crying whilst sounding ‘normal’ on the phone!) Anyway, he decided for some reason to tell my children. Kids are blabber mouths!!! They’ll tell anyone that’ll listen, all your secrets, so surprise, surprise, my shameful crying secret got revealed!! They told my mum and my sister! It’s not a huge deal I guess. I love them both dearly and know they wouldn’t judge me, but still, I wouldn’t have told them about it myself! Haha! Thanks boys! I’m not sure why I struggle so much with this, or where it stemmed from? But I do insist that if my boys ever want to cry, they should feel free to do so! (Yes, I’m a bloody hypocrite, but at least they don’t know my personal feelings on myself crying so that’s ok!) Men are sometimes so busy playing the macho man, they don’t often show the crying side of themselves. (We know you can cry men, you weren’t made that differently from us women!) I think it sometimes gets drummed into males that crying isn’t the done thing! And sometimes us females get portrayed as always bloody crying!! (We don’t, thank you!)

Anyway, I was going to say about the video, that I think we all need to take a step out of our lives and give those special people we love some quality time. It’s easy to think “I love ……., they know I do!” But sometimes you need to show it! Do they really ‘know it’? Has someone ever made you feel like you’ve slipped to the ‘bottom of the pile’? I know I’ve felt that way before. But then I’ll hold my hands up and say that I probably make them feel that way too.

I find it hard talking about my feelings to people. I’d love to have certain conversations with my dad but I hate confrontation and opening up. I know I’ll probably get emotional  and that alone is enough to make me think ‘no way’!!! I wouldn’t mind writing him a letter though! At least if I do get emotional, he won’t see! Haha!